Gerdie Notes – One Day At A Time bio picture

Gerdie writes music and photographs people amongst other things. 
She is adventurous and pours her whole heart out on her passions. She
tries to keep her life sedated but it just doesn't happen.  Life can go
fast if she doesn't put a break on it.  So instead, God forced her to
slow down.

How so?  Gerdie was stricken with Ampullary Cancer (Pancreatic Cancer) last March 2008.  After a Whipple procedure, the malignant tumor was removed.  However, at the onset of 2009,  cancer recurred and now, it is on stage 4.

Gerdie puts her faith in Jesus Christ, trusting Him for what is about to come
her way. With the advent of cancer in her life, she has learned to
cling tighter to Jesus, who holds her life.  She knows she can't live
without Him.  She is praying for a miracle as the tumors have increased both in size and in number. 

It is a tough journey but by walking her life with Jesus Christ, she simply continues to live literally, One Day At A Time.

Photo by Erron Ocampo.

A Fun Birthday

Special birthday cake given by my friend, Wena Paz

Special birthday cake given by my friend, Wena Paz

I celebrated my birthday with friends and family for three consecutive days.  ;)   Last Saturday was a joint celebration with two of my close friends, Marijo and Jessica.  It is so convenient that 4 out of our group of 5 have our birth days on the month of May.  Melanie, the 4th one, lives in the U.S. and was unable to join us.  Then last Sunday, the 24th, I get to spend lunch with Kuya and the family.  My sister-in-law, Ate Bibay, handed me down this nifty pillow which is very useful for nights when I have to sit to sleep.  Yup.  You read it right.  There are nights when it I find it difficult for me to sleep on my side.  My back is just so painful, I end up sitting down and hugging a pillow to sleep.

I had planned to just be at home on my birthday, the 25th,  except for a night out with my high school gang.  I just spent the morning working on some music when lunch came and suddenly I had surprise visitors!  Two friends, Eric (D’Stink!) and John (Dumb-dumb) from the defunct 93.9 DWKC (where I worked before) came first.  My brother, who was a disc-jockey in that station, came next.  I had a feeling a few more will come.  I received a call from no less than Mike Enriquez (Baby Michael), expressing that he couldn’t make it as it was a spur of the moment invitation from Hill Billy Willy and he had previously set an appointment for lunch.  Bobby Ante called to say the same.  Nonetheless, Rudolph Rivera came and so did Ray (Animal) and of course, Hill Billy Willy himself.  :)

Wow! I was anticipating the day to be “Joke Time!”  :)   And indeed, we all had fun, reminiscing old colleagues and fun days with the gang.  After all, we were all known to be ‘full of gag’!  Hahaha!!!

93.9 WKC Characters: Dumb-dumb, Animal, Dewey Duck and D' Stink!

93.9 WKC Characters: Dumb-dumb, Animal, Dewey Duck and D' Stink!

Unfortunately, my back started to hurt towards the afternoon so I had to cancel my earlier plans to spend the night with my high school gang.  We were supposed to go to a comedy bar and do something different from our usual ‘eat out’.

On a serious note though, I woke up last monday and immediately thanked God for a birthday to celebrate.  You know how people usually ask you what your wish is for your birthday?  Well, that came to mind as I always used to ask God for a special gift for my birthday.  So when the thought crossed my mind, I was trying to squeeze my barrel of desires for one particular wish I can ask from my Creator.  Nothing came to mind.  Honestly.  I know there are a lot of things I would like to do or have or experience.  But on that certain moment, I was silent.  Then suddenly, I said to myself, “I am content.”

A bible verse comes to mind: “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.  After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it.” (1 Timothy 6:6-7  NLT)  I definitely am not rich that I could say I have all my material things and expenses covered.  I am very far from that but I am content because God takes care of everything for me.  He blesses me with His presence, which for me is far greater than a cave of gold.  He makes sure I have food on the table and sometimes even more that I could share with others.  He takes care of my financial needs, whether through the abilities He has given me or through the kindness of other people.  In a way, I am happy with what I have.  Even with cancer in my life, I can still say, “I am content.”  God sustains me.  Oh yes there are difficult times and they can be really difficult but God pulls through for me.  For that, I am grateful.

And so this year, my birthday was different.  I got to spend it at home, as compared to the previous years of being out of town, somewhere.  The Lord just made sure I had fun that day.  Relaxed but fun.  :)

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Cancer Care Team

I planned to blog about how chemotherapy is being administered.  So I brought my small digicam with me to NKTI so I can take pictures to go with my planned blog.

When I got to the hospital,  I opened the door to the chemotherapy department and was surprised to see the place jam-packed.  Whoa!  Full house!  So, I was requested to go to the other room (endoscopy room) for the procedure.  While waiting for Nurse Sharon to prep me up for chemo, my doctors came by.  :)   Great!  Time for a photo opportunity.

But before that of course, they discussed about my recent blood test.  My liver enzymes are rising again.  It seems like Xeloda is putting a bit of pressure on my liver.  So Dr. Tiangco decided to lower my dose of Xeloda.  After a week, she’ll see whether she’ll increase dosage.  I told her about the ‘comeback’ of my back pain.  She gave me 3 options.  One, continue with the pain reliever meds I’m taking.  Two, radiation. Three, inject my celiac nerve with alcohol to dull the pain for several months.  I’m still thinking and praying for what I should do.  I feel that my insides are already damaged as it is and I hope not to make things worse if I can help it.

Then, photo opp!  :)   So, folks, meet my doctors.  Dr. Beatrice Tiangco is my oncologist and Dr. Gonong is a fellow at NKTI who checks up on me when Dr. Tiangco is out.

Dr. Tiangco, Gerdie, Dr. Gonong

Dr. Tiangco, Gerdie, Dr. Gonong

And here is Nurse Sharon, who in this picture, is checking the backflow of my portacath.

Sharon, checking the backflow of my portacath

Sharon, checking the backflow of my portacath

So, the portacath is under my skin.  She pushes the needle to my chest and checks for backflow.  When everything is ok, she flushes it out a bit and then starts chemotherapy with Gemzar.  It takes only 30mins for the entire Gemzar cocktail to flow to my veins.  With the pre and post procedure included, roughly, I’m done in less than an hour.

There you go…  :)   I didn’t end up blogging about the whole procedure but I’m glad that I can show you my cancer care team.  :) Now you can imagine how I look like during chemo day.

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Stable

My internet connection was down for several days.  Now it’s up and I can blog about my health status.  Unfortunately though, my backpain is back for a visit.  :(   So I have to make this blog short.

I  started the 3rd cycle of chemotherapy (2nd protocol) last Friday.  For those of you who may be wondering, a cycle is 3 consecutive weeks of chemo and 1 week rest.  And to those who have been asking how long will this therapy last, I can only answer, “Till God knows when.”  I know, I know.  For some types of cancer, there is only a limited number of chemotherapy cycles and that’s it.  In my case, chemotherapy is like a maintenance drug.  Similar to what people with hypertension go through.  Again, unfortunately for me, it is an expensive maintenance drug.  :(   Huhuhu…  It will only stop when God heals me.

Before starting the 3rd cycle, I had my blood test done.  Specifically for CA19-9, the pancreatic cancer tumor marker.  It began with 271 last January.  After 5 weeks of chemotherapy, it escalated to 844 (so did the tumors, they enlarged a bit).  That prompted my oncologist to switch to the second protocol.  After a month, I had the blood test done again and it was 836.  Last Tuesday, by God’s grace, it plummeted to 443.11.  Thank God!  :)   It was something to praise God for.

Thinking that since the numbers fell, perhaps the tumors shrunk.  I was hoping that was the case when I got my CT scan result last Thursday.  Well, the tumors didn’t shrink.  But!  It didn’t increase in number nor in size either.  The tumor in the area of the ‘used to be’ pancreatic head is stil 5cm x 4cm.  The multiple metastasis in my lungs still range from .2 to 2 cm.   In other words, they were all stable.  Still, praise God!  :) Oh!  I have yet to check the one which was found on my liver during the previous CT scan.  It was 2.0 cm in size.  I am having the plates read by another radiologist to see if that vanished.  The one who first read my scan said that I have a fatty liver without any mass seen.  ;)

I immediately thought, “God is prolonging my life. “  I’ve been told since day one, “What we are doing is to prolong life because pancreatic cancer, unfortunately, has no cure.”  Another oncologist confirmed, “Gerd, you are aware that what we are doing is really buying time, right?”  Well, it may be so.  Perhaps all these are being done to prolong my life on earth and I just thank God for every bit of sign that tells me, ‘God is prolonging my life.’

I am also aware that this may be a roller coaster ride.  When the numbers are up, my emotions may be down and vice-versa.  For awhile there, I placed my hope on numbers and tests.  I have got to have something tangible to let me know that something good will emerge from all of these.

My oncologist reminded me of  the battle in the movie, The Last Samurai.  It didn’t matter what the outcome will be.  What matters is that I focus on fighting.  Whether the numbers rise or fall, I should continue on with the fight.  That everyday as I wake up, I look at the bright side – I am alive.  Thank God for reminders like that.

So I say to myself that my hope should not be on the numbers.  My hope should be in God.  “Keep the faith!”  I keep on getting that message.  My specific application, ‘keep my faith in Christ’.  For He knows my future.  The battle has begun but my Lord will finish it.  ;)

Thank you for being with me ‘one day at a time’.  For praying for me, for being interested in my ‘medical’ life.  ;)    Thanks for those countless dart prayers to keep me going.  So I encourage you, ‘please don’t stop’.  Sometimes, I do get my strength from your kind words and spoken compassion.  Believe me.

Stable…  I am stable.  God is keeping my body stable for I know ‘God is prolonging my life.’  :)

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He Was 17 Again

I was 5 years old and he was 17.  It was in Remar theater in Cubao when we had our first movie date.  Willy Wonka And The Chololate Factory with Gene Wilder.  Then four years ago, we reminisced old times and watched the remake of this movie.  I’m glad we had those memorable times.  After all, it’s just the two of us.  My Kuya (older brother) and I.  :)

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Kuya studying

Kuya texted me two weeks ago asking if I was doing anything during Labor Day weekend.  Since it was to be a chemo-free weekend, he thought maybe we could spend some time together.  Just the two of us.  :)   It sounded fun and I looked forward to it.  So he asked me to book an overnight stay at Crowne Plaza.  Robinson’s Galleria is accessible from the hotel so we have lots of restaurants to choose from.  Of course, watching a movie was part of the agenda.

Yesterday, he picked me up before lunch and we headed off to Robinson’s.  I had the choice of where to eat and I was craving for Mongolian Barbeque.  So we went straight to the mall’s basement and ordered just a bowl each.  I wish I could have ordered the eat-all-you-can thing but my digestive system won’t be able to handle that – not anymore.  ;)   We both enjoyed the food.  I know I did.

He wanted to buy some snacks and knowing how similar we are, chocolate was part of the list.  ;)   I was not mistaken.  He grabbed a few chocolate bars and diet sodas.  I sneaked in a Cali lite and that was it for me.

When we got to the hotel room, it was just natural that he studied his favorite subject – horse racing.  ;)   We both have our own ‘hobbies’.  He was glued to the dividendazo while I was online, checking emails and updating Facebook status.  Hahaha…

We both wanted to watch a movie.  Just like our first date.  He chose 17 Again.  Why not?  Yup!  He was 17 again and I was 5.  :D

I easily tire these days specially when I walk a lot during the day and my back hurts at night if I don’t take a rest in the afternoon.  Well, that is exactly what happened last night.  After our healthy dinner eating Shabu-shabu, my back started to hurt.  The pain didn’t go away and I had to take my pain meds.  It was already 11pm and still, the pain didn’t subside so I decided to take Oxycontin.  I thought the pain would go away after that but it didn’t.  I was uncomfortable and I just had to ask Kuya to rub the left side of my back.  He was very patient and tried to soothe the pain.  I felt he was really taking care of me.  Early on during the day, he also carried my bag and didn’t want me to carry any heavy stuff.  I really appreciated that.  He constantly asked how I was doing.  If the pain subsided or not and really wanted me to be able to sleep well.

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Watching Pacquiao-Hatton

The next day, he wanted to watch the Pacquiao-Hatton match and he bought tickets so we could view the fight at the ballroom.  He had Rustin (his son) come in the morning to join us and I enjoyed having my nephew around.  :)   It really was a family thing.  Something I really treasure.

It was truly sweet of Kuya to think of spending time alone with me.  I can consider it one of the most memorable days in my life.  I remember mom’s words, “Dadalawa lang kayong magkapatid.  Pag nalunod ang isa, dapat sagipin ng isa.“  (There’s just the two of you.  If one drowns, one should save the other.)  She really wanted for us to look after each other.  I think Kuya promised her on her death bed that he’ll look after me when she is gone.

The Lord really knows what I need.  One of which is a family to belong to.  Whether it be my blood family or my friends’ family.  He makes sure I am always part of one.  :)   To be loved by my own blood family tops the list.  Maybe because I didn’t have a close-knit one while growing up.  Well, it’s never too late.  My brother and I are probably making up for lost times.  We don’t know how much time we have left and I remember him requesting that I make sure we have more time for us, specially during these days.

Kuya and I

Kuya and I

I am glad for yesterday.  :)   Truly one to remember.

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A Japanese Treat

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California Maki

It was 3pm and I was really hungry.  After buying some Christian music cds at House of Praise, I just had to go grab some bite.  Driving along Tomas Morato Ave., my eyes were focused on the restaurants, hoping one would stand out and attract my starved taste buds.  I was so hungry even my eyesight was temporarily failing me.  Then this huge Kimono Ken sign seemed like the only sharp image I can see.  This must be it.  Japanese.  It was flashing in front of me.  My craving agreed.  Kimono Ken.  So be it.

Got down the car, went in.  Straight to my favorite corner.  Yes, I am a regular at this resto.  ;)   The waitress handed me the menu and I just read through the new maki creations.  Spicy tuna, spicy salmon.  They were all over.  Temptation.  Gosh.  I just wanted to eat my favorites.  Salmon sushi and California Maki.  My craving was wrestling with my self-control.  “Doc says I can’t eat any raw food,” I thought.  Maybe I could ask my doc’s permission?  Solution:  Text doc and ask.

GERDIE: Doc, d japanese makis are so tempting!  :(
DOC: Sige, bili mo ko (Go ahead, buy for me)
GERDIE: Share tayo? ;) (Let’s share?)
DOC: Grabe, parang gusto kong pumayag. Ano kaya wbc mo? Sgpt? (Gosh, I feel like permitting you.  What’s your WBC (white blood count)?  SGPT (liver enzyme)?
GERDIE:  Sandali pa-text ko. (Wait. I’ll have it texted)
DOC: Basta normal wbc at di sobrang dami (As long as wbc is normal and you don’t eat too much)
GERDIE: SGPT 91.26, WBC 5.4 i just like to order spicy salmon maki and california maki
DOC: no spicy
GERDIE: ok. that’ll do!  thanks so much doc. want me to bring you some?
DOC:  no teynks!  enjoy!
GERDIE: thanks doc!

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Salmon Sushi

Browsing the menu, I decided to order Salmon sushi instead (yeah… i know… should have stuck to salmon maki) and California Maki.  Wow.  Feast time!  Thank you, Lord!  :D

You could just imagine how ecstatic I was!  My taste buds were popping out with joy!  :D   It was worth asking my doc, eh?

So that was God’s afternoon treat for me!  :)   Oh, don’t worry.  I didn’t eat the entire sushi order.  I just ate two pieces.  ;)   I was good!  :D

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Books I Hope To Finish Reading

Beside my bed is a pile of books I hope to finish reading.  Not a lot really but it does require me to take time off from my other activities just so to finish all these reads.  Well, to start off, my daily read is  the bible.  The version I use  is The Knowing Jesus Study Bible.  You know how some devotionals are written, right?  There’s usually a bible verse for the day and a literature/experience/encouragement to boost it.  Well, with this bible I’m reading now (NIV version), I get to read a few chapters of the bible a day and a daily discovery (somewhat of a devotional) about Jesus weaved into what I’ve read.  Yup, even in the Old Testament.  You’d be surprised how Jesus is present even during the Old Testament.

Are you the type of person who plans a vacation, researches about your point of destination, key tourist spots and what to expect when you get there?  Well, that’s one of the reasons why I’m reading this book called – Heaven by Randy Alcorn.  I thought, “If I know where I’m going to when I die, I’d better get to learn more about this place called Heaven, while I’m alive.”  ;)   Of course Randy Alcorn didn’t ‘go’ to heaven and come back to tell us what he saw.  This is more or less a product of 25 years of research.  It is bible-based of course so you know you aren’t lead to believe something false.  You can double check scripture too if you like.  Just so you can compare notes and know that you are not being misled.  That’s what I’ve learned from Pastor David Yount.  “Don’t just believe what you’ve heard.  Go check your bible and read it.”  ;)

A high school classmate, Rubi (in the U.S.)  and a church friend, Marides (in Canada),  recommended that I read The Last Lecture written by Prof. Randy Pausch.  He died of pancreatic cancer.  I didn’t have much time to research about this book and honestly, I’ve completely forgotten all about it.  One day, while working in one of GMA7’s scoring bays, my friend Ria (in the Philippines) pops in and hands me a book which she would like me to read.  Guess what the title is.  The Last Lecture!  ;)   I guess God wants me to read this book, eh?

There are a few more which add to the pile but can be read on a staggered basis.  Well, just to add to the list, there is  Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Tim Lahaye.  It talks about how we all have different temperaments and how we are configured differently from and similarly with others.  It helps to understand oneself and others, better.  It can help in learning how to build character and relate to people.

A book I seem to go back to a lot is Robert Jeffress’ As Time Runs Out: A Simple Guide to Bible Prophecy.  Since I was twelve years old, this topic has always held my interest.  Of course, at that age, I couldn’t understand much of it except for the major events being pointed out in the Book of Revelation.  This book has really helped me a lot in imagining the details of the big picture.  It’s simply written and quick to understand.

You probably think I’ve got so many things on my hands and on my mind.  Well, maybe so.  The books are good reads for sure and if you have time, do check them out.  :)   For my Philippines-based readers, you can check these books at OMF Literature.  It’s at Boni Ave. close to EDSA, in Mandaluyong.  You can order online too if you like.  :)

Ok… now, which book to continue reading?  ;)

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Anvaya With The Ligots

Never let the summer pass without going to the beach. ;) That’s what we did. The Ligots and I.

gpf_8344Richelle’s on her fifth month with Baby Yum-yum. We’ve been documenting her pregnancy since month two. We were all so surprised that another Ligot is coming our way and since this may be Richelle’s last pregnancy (and we think it is), we thought of having a monthly photo session with a different concept each time.

April called for us to be in a beach setting. Anvaya Cove was perfect for an overnight getaway. It was raining though. But of course, that didn’t stop us. The kids – Mishka and Nikki, were having the time of their lives while the adults (that includes me, haha…) had to go on with their primary purpose – The Preggy Photo Shoot. ;)

Since we went on a Tuesday, my health was ready for the challenge. No one would have guessed I have cancer. Thank God!

We were able to capture images of Richelle by the shore, with the splashing waves and one engulfed by the  raging water. Unfortunately, she lost her wedding ring when she placed her hand on the sand to keep the water from squashing Baby Yumyum and her. :(

Wednesday was a good day for all of us. As always, I woke up early. 6am. I didn’t want to. gpf_8574The room was cold, the pillows were cuddly and the blanket was warm and soft. Perfect for a long stay in bed. Then I heard crows. Several of them. Squawking here and there. I wasn’t one to pass up the opportunity. I got up quickly, changed and grabbed my camera. Time for bird photos! :) Then I saw one crow zoom from one tree to another. Too fast! I couldn’t get a decent flying shot. Then there was this pretty bird. Quietly perched on a tree branch close to me. “Perfect!”, I said. (Click!)

A few more shots needed by the beach and we were good to go. Good to go swimming… in the pool. ;) Oh yes. Including me! Hahaha!!! Richelle encouraged me to try and do some laps to get more oxygen pumped into my ‘tumored’ lungs. I wish I could swim like I used to but 3 laps was not too bad. I could have go on but I remembered, I am ‘technically’ sick so I shouldn’t overdo it. Instead, I just joined Tot and the kids on one side of the pool, goofing around with Mama Richelle and Baby Yumyum. After all, I am family – a Joson-Ligot as testified by Richelle herself. ;)

You know what? I thank all of you for always praying for me. You help me enjoy life by asking the Lord to sustain me. You may think that you always pray and yet you don’t see a glimpse of a miracle. But for me, just to be able to spend time off from the weekly chemo routine is a milestone in itself. So again, thank you. :)
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Oh… Don’t let summer go by without you dipping your feet on salt water, ok? ;)

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Living Life And Eating Well

Last weekend, my back started to hurt again. I was a bit nervous, to tell you honestly. I have been enjoying pain reliever-free weeks and at the onset of what seemed to be a familiar visitor, I was scared. The pain continued on for about 3 days. I had to take Oxycontin. Good thing I just took it for one day and that was it.

For someone who is supposed to rest a lot, I’m one who’s got her schedule quite filled up with things to do. I’ve been tinkering with my computers lately. Updating and upgrading music softwares. I have decided to choose one activity that will populate my days here on planet earth. And finally, I chose music. Oh you think that would be my first and only choice? If you know me well, you wouldn’t think so. My friend Richelle would always tell me that I’ve got so many things I like to do and I always want to do them all at the same time. ;) That’s how clogged up my mind could be, most of the time. Yeah, I like to do a lot of things. I really thought I had nine lives but of course, reality tells me that I only have just one precious chance to focus on what will matter most and that’s it. No reincarnation of any sort. So, with what’s left with my days (however long or short it may be), I choose to spend more time with my music. And! I hope I could keep my word too and keep it going. :p

I get invited to lunch with friends. That, I enjoy specially when the chemo drug starts to wear off. Lately though, I look at myself in the mirror and find that my round face is starting to get its shape back. I really don’t know whether that’s good or bad news but yes, I’ve been enjoying my meals lately. Even after chemo. The trick though is to chew my food real well and do it fast because somehow, a message hits my brain and tells me, “Time is up! You really don’t like that food.” Really. And when it does, I just stop eating. Till one or two hours. ;)

God has been good to me. I’ve been eating a lot of food varieties lately. This week, I was able to have Persian and Chinese food. Aylene has been cooking delicious Filipino food too. Grilled Plapla (wrapped in banana leaves), Malunggay and Corn soup, Ginisang Ampalaya (Bitter gourd Sautee), Dinengdeng and Pakbet (Ilocano vegetable dishes) and Sinigang na Salmon sa Kamias (Salmon Sour Stew?) amongst others. Then yesterday, to my surprise, Aylene bought me some ’siniguelas’ (no english translation – i think). My favorite munch fruit. I can sit, watch a movie and just munch a whole bunch of it. ;)

Of course while I’ve been enjoying all these, I said to myself that I would still like to enjoy more days on earth. I mean, life is good. Even if it comes with challenges. At the end of the day, pain still teaches you a lot of things. Though I wish we didn’t have to go through life accompanied by hurts, pains and sufferings. Nonetheless, life is still worth living. Especially when you have Christ in your life. Because that means that hope is alive.

So what I hope for is to live a little longer. Enjoy family and friends. Try to make right those mistakes I’ve done. Renew my passion for music and keep at it. Build my character. Experience God. Help people find Jesus in their lives.

A bible verse I always remember is found in Ecclesiastes. I call this the book of the wise because it’s written by the wisest man who’s ever lived.

Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.

For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil. (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14)

Live life and live it well. We’ve only got one shot at it. ;)

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A Holy Week Reflection

I am not sure about the rest of the world but definitely here in the Philippines, the Holy Week is a big thing.  Much like Christmas, people go on a long break.  This time however, for different reasons.  Some take this week off for a summer getaway.  Some spend their time reflecting, praying, fasting.  Some go on with their daily routine with the special thought that the reason for Holy Week is to be thankful for what Jesus did on the cross.  For it is written: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

As for me, I had wanted to orchestrate a song by Sandy Patti and share it with you.  I spent the whole Monday afternoon working on it and by night time, I just had the last chorus to work on.  Unfortunately, I think my working file is too heavy for my computers to bear, I couldn’t open it yesterday.  It will take some time before I can get  going.  So, instead, I’ll just post the song itself – for your listening pleasure/reflection.

I believe the song is apt for this week’s reflection.

WHERE THE NAILS WERE

“Father forgive them”
I heard you faintly say
Still, in my heart I feel so guilty
I know the truth is the debt was mine to pay
How could it be right that it happened his way
A fallen and sinful life I was leading
Now, why is Your body torn and bleeding?

Chorus:
It should’ve been my hands where the nails were
It should’ve been
It should’ve been my feet where the nails were
It should’ve been
It should’ve been my side that was opened
My heart that was broken
It should’ve been my hands
It should’ve been my feet where the nails were

At times I am tempted to overlook Your grace
Thinking I’m worth the love You’ve given
I walk like I’m earning the right to run the race
Somehow forgetting You died in my place
Still isn’t long before I’ve stumbled
One look at the cross and I am humbled

It should’ve been my hands where the nails were
It should’ve been
It should’ve been my feet where the nails were
It should’ve been
It should’ve been my side that was opened
My heart that was broken
But it was Your hands
Yes, it was Your feet
It was Your blessed hands
It was Your precious feet
It should’ve been my hands
It should’ve been my feet
Where the nails were

Jesus died in our place. A final sacrifice for the atonement of our sins. And because He did this, this scripture holds true for those who believe in Him and accept Him as their Savior:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4

Imagine, come judgment day, when God looks at me, it’s Jesus’ righteousness He’ll see.  That’s what Jesus died for.  So I thank Jesus for what He did 2009 years ago.  If it weren’t for His sacrifice, I will not be secured with hope of spending eternity with Him.  God is merciful and gracious, indeed. And, there is no reason to flagellate ourselves for Jesus has paid for our sins once and for all on that cross in Calvary.  He gave His life as a ransom for many.

What did I do to earn this salvation from sin?  NOTHING.  I need not do anything except to accept God’s gift of salvation.  Yes, it is a gift.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”
Ephesians 2:8-9

If in your lifetime, you have heard about what Jesus has done and yet have not accepted Him as your Lord and your Savior, perhaps this is the time for you to think about it.   A time to ask forgiveness for sins and accept the gift of salvation that God has given in Jesus Christ.  In John 14:6 Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” Jesus is the ONLY way to get to spend eternity with God.

God is good.  More than good.  He gave us Jesus.

So you may ask, how do we receive this gift?  By FAITH through prayer.  It is a personal invitation.

So our prayer may go something like this:

“Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.”

Do you think this prayer expresses the desire of your heart now? If it does, I invite you to pray  this prayer right now and Christ will come into your life, as He promised.

If you prayed this prayer, congratulations!  I’ll be seeing you in heaven one day.  :D Oh, and please let me know too so I can send you more information on how to grow as a Christian.

I hope this Holy Week will be meaningful to you all.  :)   May the love of Jesus be with you, wherever you may be.

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Gemzar + Xeloda = Better Protocol?

I had my 2nd session of chemotherapy with the new protocol and am looking forward to my third.  Because that means, after this Friday, I will have a one-week break from chemo.  So as early as now, am already thinking of good tasting food to eat and nice non-exhausting activities to do.

Seriously, recently, I’ve been feeling a bit better.  Last weekend was the first time I didn’t have to take Oxycontin (my narcotic pain reliever) nor did I take Dolcet.  However, Monday, I was exhausted and my back was aching but I didn’t have to take Oxycontin.  Dolcet was fine.  Even for last night.  Which is good!  :)   Really!  Because I’ve been on pain relievers, daily, since the last week of January.  :(

Have you been praying for me?  Well, I guess your prayers are really being heard by God.  Have you been praying that the side effects won’t hit me bad?  Then I request you to please continue to pray for me because I believe your prayers are doing me wonders.  Thank you and thank God!

Remember I’ve been anxious about those side effects, especially the ones which Xeloda will bring?  Well, I am pleased to let you know that so far, after 11 days on Xeloda, I still haven’t experienced its side effects.  No diarrhea ( more on constipation though ), no mouth sores and no hands and feet soreness.  Praise God!  :)   I was actually skeptical if the Xeloda was working at all.  I asked one of the doctors if it were possible if the drug was doing its job without me experiencing the side effects.  He smiled at me and affirmed that such is possible.  Thank God!  :)

So I’m really very grateful because the worse effects I’m experiencing are loss of appetite and nausea (brought by Gemzar) from Saturdays to Mondays.  As soon as my eyes open on Tuesday mornings, I look forward to a heavy breakfast.  Which would mean 1/3 cup of rice and some fancy viand cooked by my long-time household help, Aylene.  :)   I wish I could eat more than that but that’s just how my system is now.  If I eat more, I’m most likely to feel some pain later.  So I just have few small servings during the day, which experts say, is the right way to eat our meals so we don’t gain weight fast.  ;)   It helps speed up our metabolism.  Well, if you didn’t already know, cancer does speed up one’s metabolism.  That’s why cancer patients easily lose weight too.

Anyway… Even my loss of hair is gradual.  I know it’s thinning out already but I’m still able to hide it.  No need to shave my head yet.  ;)   I’ll just wait till it’s a little bit more obvious.

One thing this cancer is teaching me, is to appreciate the small things I take for granted.  Like enjoying a good meal or perhaps a sound sleep or even a full day’s work.  Would you believe that from Friday nights to Monday evenings, my meal prayer would include something like, “Lord, please help me eat this food and I hope I will like the taste.”  Before bed, I’d again ask the good Lord if it would be possible that I have a good sleep.  That is why I have been rejoicing since Sunday.  I have been getting good sleep!  :)

Well, again, my heartfelt gratitude to you for praying.  Your prayers indeed are doing me wonders!  Thank you.  :)

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